Running On Empty

Seriously. I don't know what's overcome me. I can't stand; I mean STAND the local shopping mall. I hadn't been in over a month; but the banks are there; so when banking business pops up - I gotta go.

From the minute I walked in the mall, I noticed my strides become wider and faster; my head down (just didn't want to look at anyone); walked to the photo station in Big W; needed to 'waste' 20 mins till my photos were ready and in that time I was 'lost'. Normally I don't have a problem strolling casually through the aisles; but today - today was different. I felt like a fool. I had absolutely no mission, no business, no desire to be surrounded by plastic, by loads of chocolate; by tonnes of clothes made in Bangladesh or China. By unfriendly people with stressed faces pushing trolley load fulls almost knocking me over with glares as if to say 'get outta my way fool'.

Thank goodness the photos were ready. Off I stride to the banks. Phew - running on empty I was relieved to see no people in line.

You rude bank teller. Why do you always treat me like I'm about to rip off my aunt's measly savings?

I should explain I'm my aunt's financial manager as appointed by the NSW Trustee and Guardianship. She's been in a nursing home for more than four years with a stroke that's left her totally incapacitated and living in 24/7 high dependent care.  Poor thing. It's awful. As her next of kin, albeit living in another state, I elected to take on all her affairs and I swore on oath to do everything in her best interest.

I hold my hand on my heart and say 'I sure have' - even dipped into my own pocket on numerous occasion to cover expenses. I choose to. I don't want your thanks. Just helping whenever I can. So when I present my authority papers, my license, her deeming account statement (I know the drill), why do your shackles go up and I stand there feeling like a crook about to raid some poor helpless little old lady's money. Your tone rises a few notches so that people behind can hear you say quite emphatically while you shake your head 'NO. We do NOT keep Power of Eternity info on our computers'.

Here we go again. Usually it's -

• her account is in NSW! Stay here please while we call the branch.
• are these papers the real document?? Stay here please while we call the department.
• who are you? what is this? I've never seen such a document. What's a financial manager - you mean Power of Eternity don't you? (Actually no I don't). Stay here please (presumably you've gone to call the police or security!!!)

All my stuff is on their stupid computer; I'm a signatory to everything; but no; they have to do a song and dance before checking the computer. Making assumptions. Wasting my time. Again. And the time of people who are waiting in line. You're lucky man. I could've embarrassed you. Sometimes tellers apologize for the delay. You didn't. I suppose that you quietly (tone considerably dropped a few notches) ate 'humble pie' after doing all your background checking on this potential crim standing before you, says it all. Your disingenuous "have a good day" almost tipped me over the edge.

I figure I'm here. I'll go to Myers - check out the specials. Walking past the 'Review' brand I almost broke down and cried. My beautiful child is in Norway - last time I was in this very spot, she was trying on a couple of Review dresses. This brand was made for my Nicka. She looks beautiful - every single time. So sucked in Mama buys her another one - having a dozen or so already just isn't enough. I miss her. I miss you my little Boo Boo.

Having no purpose here, I decide to check out the kitchen gadgets. Nice looking muffin tray. The car park can't come soon enough.  Walking there, I can't believe how many people are overweight. My god. All these young girls - carrying waaaayyyyy too much. It's frightening. Isn't this generation going to look after my lot in our old age!  Ohh- too depressing.

Looking forward to a coffee and my fresh bread roll when I get home. So unlike me to not have a cappucino - as a daughter to migrants, I've been having cappucino's in town since I can remember. I'm just not myself.

Getting home I'm greeted with a surprise - my ridiculously busy Hubby is home. Just like in the old days - he's in the garage. Putting on the new rego plates. 'Wanna spin' - finally I take a deep breath and smile. Okay - but I'm starved - gimme 5 mins.

An hour ago I was hating my time in the shopping mall, feeling like a criminal, teary in Myers and saddened by overweight souls.

Hubby toots. I negotiate my way into the passenger seat. Wrapping my scarf over my head, I feel okay. Not numb like before, not exactly happy, but free and with total trust in my man, we zoom up the highway.

**** the shopping mall.